A name locates me. A name, something I am called, something I answer to and recognize. It’s a familiarity that grabs my attention and asserts my focus. So why change it? (The blogs’ name, not my actual name.) Because I am changing, what locates me is changing.
What’s changing? The 2.6 of you that may actually read this asks! Well…Love letters to Paul is an extreme personal thing that I felt to do in order to kind of leak some of the love for my husband out into the world. To show that true love exists, not perfect, but true. True love changes people, it changed me, and it will continue to do so. Not just romantic love, but including romantic love. As the fog lifts, the shock wears off, and you begin to recover from the horridness of the shock wearing off (never underestimate the benefits of shock!!) new questions spring to mind. Now what? Who am I now? How do I…? So many things. My partner is gone, with me forever, but so not present. I wish he was, I wish it every day, but he’s not and the shock and denial do need to wane. I have to go on. I can love him forever, and ever, and ever, but I need to surface and live the life I’m left with.
Life after Loss is just that. As I try to answer the questions my soul is asking and dare to try to move forward…without Paul. It’s with pure reluctance that I do, yet necessary for me, my kids, my purpose, and my life. I am pretty sure that “Love Letters to Paul” will still be written in my heart, and maybe on this page, so to that end, they will remain here categorized as such.
My bridegroom, my God, waits to care, welcoming and totally able to help me face this life you and I must live. As I find a truth I will share it, and I hope my journey can bless you. Hope shared not pity, life shared not just pain. Pain is a part of life, but not the only part. There are some big things to tackle, loneliness, purpose, career, single parenthood to name a few, but one day at a time and each in its own time. There will be life after this tremendous loss and I am just about that stubborn as to find it.
“For your Maker is your bridegroom, his name, God-of-the-Angel-Armies!
Your Redeemer is The Holy of Israel, known as God of the whole earth.
You were like an abandoned wife, devastated with grief, and God welcomed you back,
Like a woman married young and then left,” says your God.
……It’s with lasting love that I’m tenderly caring for you. “ (Is 54: 5-8 The Message)