It’s the 2nd again

It’s the 2nd of the month again.

The day that screams “loss” at me every time it rolls around. Not happy thoughts. Not a birthday or a celebration. Just a huge reminder that I don’t have a partner anymore. It’s when he left and I had to stay here and figure out how to go on. 

Sometimes I’m angry that he left me. Not because he cheated or walked out, but that death cheated me of his life. It caused him to leave me. I feel selfish to even admit it. He suffered, he didn’t choose it or want it, but none the less, I am now a widow. That word packs a punch! I should be facing life with my love and quite simply I am not. Marriage wasn’t easy, we had to work at it, choose to prefer each other, make tough decisions, but I loved it. Loved being married, well at least loved being married to Paul.

Some days are just hard.

Some days have the predetermined power to drain life before they ever arrive. Anticipation is not always a happy thing. But it does serve a purpose. Without it, the suddenness, the shock of realizing what day it is can knock me to the ground. It’s as if sadness planned for, anticipated, has somewhere to go, a space to fill. Otherwise, it takes control of all other emotion and usually surfaces as something horrible and grotesque.

Some days are just hard.

Unable to call on ‘Selene’ Goddess of the moon to alter the lunar patterns, I cannot scrape the 2nd from my calendar. So as each new month approaches I brace for the 2nd, give it space, I remember my love, I miss my love, and hope the 3rd brings greater hope.

It’s just the 2nd again.

“It is because of the Lord’s mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His tender compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23.

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