Sometimes grief has nowhere to go, nowhere to hide and no solace to be found. Sometimes I’m just homesick for a place I cannot go. I am not a mess in tears, I am not falling to pieces, I just have an ache. I miss him, I miss us, I miss him being dad. Every minute filled with a memory, a regret or a longing. A hundred thoughts one minute and then a single thought of holding his hand the next.
Today he is gone 15months, tomorrow is his birthday, he would have been 43, and in 4 days it’s Father’s day. A week to honour him, a week to look Heavenward and try and feel his smile shining back down. The ache has me a little stuck in my emotions, a little spent, a little not quite knowing if I’ll cope to open the floodgates again.
So in order to get my thoughts, my love, out and unstuck I will share my honour of Paul with you.
- I honour you my love for loving me above everyone else on the entire planet
- For finding grace in the midst of pain
- For loving your kids more than your own life
- For always, always wanting the best for your family
- For never ever calling me fat! Even when I was!
- For working out my love language before I knew it
- For tirelessly seeking Gods best for us all
- For holding me
- For being my best friend, my soul mate, my confidant
- For convincing me two are better than one, then proving it
- For being open, honest and real with me, even when it hurt
- For being a spunk, more and more every year
- For battling bravely for 18 months through pain and fear
- For believing in me more than I do myself
- For all the beautiful moments I cannot share here
- For waiting, for showing purity in an impure world
- For giving up on arguing and trying to kiss me when I was still mad
- For being taller than me and loving my tallness
- For believing I loved you and sharing your heart with me
And for so much more, but they are tonight’s thoughts. I am lighter, and the ache is a little less. Honour is a good thing. Being thankful, even in the midst of loss, can free a burden, and put things right.
He is gone from here, but honoured forever.
Is 43:2 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned or scorched, nor will the flame kindle upon you.” (Amplified Bible)