Monthly Archives: February 2019

Little girl found ❤

I read a blog today that stirred my heart. It spoke of strength and bravery as paramount in a woman’s soul. I began to get that sinking feeling in my gut, one of those reminders that that has not always been my reality.

I wish I had been braver.  More able to stand up for myself, to protect my body, to have had a voice. But I wasn’t and I didn’t. I paid the price though, that is mine to pay.

Why me?

How did God let it happen?

What did I do wrong?

Answers…

Because I was a lost little girl whose Daddy ran away.

He didn’t, bad men chose their own cruel steps.

Nothing!

Grief has taught me many life lessons. One of the biggest is that dwelling on those big questions eats at your soul. Natural disasters strike us all. A devastating fire can rip through your soul so fast you might only escape with your life. Hopefully you get out with your most precious and valuable; good memories and evidence of happy times.

I don’t like to think about my abuse. It’s horrible. Pictures in my minds eye that can taunt and stifle. He was a big man, I was a small girl. He smelt of sweat and that horrible old man smell that gives me the creeps. He was wrong and I should have ran away when he ushered all the others outside. But I didn’t and he blackened my soul – natural disaster.

At times I thought for sure that I had barely escaped with my life. I tried not to think about it, letting years go by believing it was my fault, that I must have been inherently bad, a naughty little girl. But I was wrong.

Under the charred bark precious life was hiding. Waiting for rain to fall, for seasons to change and a tender hand to prune. Not an easy process, pruning is painful, cut after cut with the realisation of each memory. But cuts do heal, sometimes they needed stitching, sometimes surgery. I can see the scars, but they don’t hurt like they used to. Seasons later I began to see green leaves, soft and fuzzy on my charred stumps … and later stronger, more elegant branches. Love, hope and faith again and again and again.

Over and over and over, love hope faith love hope faith love hope faith. That’s how I survived.

I can look back now with a knowing that I was not a naughty little girl, he was a bad, bad man. Sure the scars will still be seen through the new growth, but they are part of me now. I can’t change that. I can only change how I see me and know that the little blonde, beautiful girl is me. I am one of the many strong, beautiful women in the forest of many.

Love Hope Faith


Grief bites

I was reminded of all the pain today.

The hospital.

The disease.

The unhappy ending.

I was gutted. I turned on your phone, it still worked, looked at your photos, your messages to your kids and your sisters. I was so glad to see your love for them, but that made me sad too. I haven’t cried over you for awhile, haven’t felt that hollowness that feels like a punch in the stomach…but I did today. It’s hard to shake, hard to face.

We miss you.

I am surrounded by a new life, a good life, but it’s different and even that reminds that it wasn’t always this way. The memories are good, but they also have the power to drag me under. Loss is loss. I lost something I cannot get back, it’s gone. New beginnings still happen and bring me happiness, but they are not replacements.

I know I’ll be OK, my mood will swing back around, but in this moment I feel stunted, heavy, and unable to think clearly. A fog has come done and just sits on my shoulders. I know it will lift, but this moment is just grief. Unaware of when it may strike and completely caught off guard.

They say (not sure who “they” are, but lots of people!!) that gratefulness can change your mood so let’s give it a go.

I am grateful we met, loved and had our kids… you loved them without end and stayed, that was new for me and helped me know I was lovable.

I am grateful you were my friend, it’s hard to lose your best friend, but great when you have one.

I am grateful that you had faith and I know where you are…I will see you one day, not yet, but one day.

Now I will go onto something else and quit the wallow. Not because I want to forget but because the living needs my attention, because life did go on.

I love you still, I’m sorry it was hard for you. I’m sorry you felt so much pain, I don’t know why. I saw it was hard for you and I’m sorry I was mad at you for leaving me. I felt abandoned and I wanted to blame you. I blamed God but He gave me glimmers of hope, so it must have been your fault!! Dumb I know. I couldn’t put it all together, still can’t really. I love you, see you in awhile xx


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