Grief bites

I was reminded of all the pain today.

The hospital.

The disease.

The unhappy ending.

I was gutted. I turned on your phone, it still worked, looked at your photos, your messages to your kids and your sisters. I was so glad to see your love for them, but that made me sad too. I haven’t cried over you for awhile, haven’t felt that hollowness that feels like a punch in the stomach…but I did today. It’s hard to shake, hard to face.

We miss you.

I am surrounded by a new life, a good life, but it’s different and even that reminds that it wasn’t always this way. The memories are good, but they also have the power to drag me under. Loss is loss. I lost something I cannot get back, it’s gone. New beginnings still happen and bring me happiness, but they are not replacements.

I know I’ll be OK, my mood will swing back around, but in this moment I feel stunted, heavy, and unable to think clearly. A fog has come done and just sits on my shoulders. I know it will lift, but this moment is just grief. Unaware of when it may strike and completely caught off guard.

They say (not sure who “they” are, but lots of people!!) that gratefulness can change your mood so let’s give it a go.

I am grateful we met, loved and had our kids… you loved them without end and stayed, that was new for me and helped me know I was lovable.

I am grateful you were my friend, it’s hard to lose your best friend, but great when you have one.

I am grateful that you had faith and I know where you are…I will see you one day, not yet, but one day.

Now I will go onto something else and quit the wallow. Not because I want to forget but because the living needs my attention, because life did go on.

I love you still, I’m sorry it was hard for you. I’m sorry you felt so much pain, I don’t know why. I saw it was hard for you and I’m sorry I was mad at you for leaving me. I felt abandoned and I wanted to blame you. I blamed God but He gave me glimmers of hope, so it must have been your fault!! Dumb I know. I couldn’t put it all together, still can’t really. I love you, see you in awhile xx


2 responses to “Grief bites

  • jeffatho

    Oh Janene – THANKYOU for sharing your deep feelings & internal journey in words someone like me can understand. To feel deeply again those experiences that took you beyond what any of us think we could ever manage – and yet then describe your choice to move forward because “the living needs my attention”. Wow!
    You choosing to stand up everyday & live on, is making a difference to many – your family of course, your church family including me and everyone who may read your blog.
    THANKYOU !

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: