Tag Archives: after

A piece of cake and red balloons

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It occurred to me, as things tend to do, that I write about the hard things much, much more than anything else. So today will be different.

Not that experiencing grief and being jolted into a new existence is a party accompanied by a piece of cake and red balloons! But I hope that as the numbness has long wore off and the shock of that reality has settled somewhat, I am able to see the brighter side of life once again. There can be things to look forward to again.

Grief is a robber. But like most robbers, they get caught eventually and hopefully you get your stuff back…not everything usually, but things are found again. To laugh and smile again, at anything, is priceless, I love to laugh. At first it’s accompanied by guilt, (how dare I laugh when someone suffered and died), but I must choose life and laughter is not only the best medicine, but it feels bloody good!

I am, of course, thankful for my wonderful kids, friends and family who have all been exceptional at loving me, not everyone has that. But also for the place I live, not the house but the town, the area, the community. I love it here, and if it wasn’t for Pauls pushing we wouldn’t be here. This is exactly where he wanted to be, where he left us, and it is home. I feel settled for the first time in years.

I am a control freak by nature (well probably from experience but today is about happy thoughts!), so change doesn’t always happen smoothly. I am trying to see change as a good thing, I can be and do whatever I like, new experiences, new job and maybe even new career. It’s not just a new chapter, but a whole new book “Janene – The Sequel” Oh gee that’s lame!! But you get the drift. This is one of those huge hurdles that appears more like a pole vault apparatus without the pole! To accept the possibility of moving on, alone, and that it’s Ok to do so.

I have been blessed I know. To have had the love of a good man, to know what that looks and feels like, is a gift. It’s a lovely thing to feel now that it doesn’t totally rip my heart out when I do; a gift I will have forever. It is a process of assimilating those feelings into a new part of my heart, Paul’s part of my heart.  Forever his, forever mine. As I do maybe my heart is freeing up for other things, other people…maybe.

So there is life in the old girl yet! Thank God! I wandered if I’d see the day. So maybe one day I will have that party with a piece of cake and red balloons…just maybe I will.


You Loved Me Well

383384_10200668001495730_496952534_nWhat was it that felt so much like love? What was that thing that sent my heart racing, and had it keep up pace over 20 years? You loved me so well, I will always be thankful for that.

It wasn’t an action, an event or words. It was who you were, who you still are in my heart. I am forever changed; forever will I know what true love is. Whether I have that again or not. I knew a love with you that stirred me to grow. Stirred me to look beyond myself and try to offer that love in return. Now, with you gone, I can still do that, still offer what I have. That’s an amazing gift.

We were certainly not a perfect couple, and trouble found us like it does everyone. There are things I would rather forget, I would be happy if they fell out of my circuit of memories and just left me with warm thoughts. But, those times were part of us, part of fighting it out, working it out and loving still. They showed me that hard times do not equal rejection, hate or punishment. But that loves uneasy times can serve to strengthen us as much as the good ones.

I need that now my Honey, to know that the hard times serve a purpose and that I can still draw on the love you invested in my heart. There is a deep well that will benefit me for a long, long time.

I still miss your touch, your warmth beside me, racing home to tell you something before anyone else in the world, the way you loved to kiss way longer than I did, your unabashed checking me out and goofy love stares that I couldn’t match. I miss all of you.

You’re nearly a year gone from me. It’s ridiculous how time and life can go on and by without you. But I have found it does. So I have a choice.  I can stay locked in my memories of you or I can choose to move on and keep making memories that you aren’t in. The former is tempting, it’s quite a safe place, but it’s a very lonely place. Of course you are forever in my heart, part of my heart and soul. Part of who I have become. I cannot and will not deny that. But I must move forward or the absence of life that casts unrelenting shadows will strangle me. I must choose to live, you know that right? I think you do, I think that’s what you’d prefer, because love prefers the other, you taught me that.

You loved me well.


Stuck in the Middle

Honey,

Rock Heart When you died my world darkened. Colours lost their accents, and breath was hard to take in. Dramatic? Sure, as were the changes life took on without you. To be honest I didn’t really know that I could live this life without you. I didn’t want to.

The sun keeps rising, keeps setting, and still you don’t come back to me. And I’m stuck in the middle.

Between life with you and life without you.

Between past purpose and new hope.

Between the security of everyday and emptiness.

Stuck – needing to go forward, but not wanting to leave you in the past. Memories of you are great, but they can’t hold me. You are in my heart forever, but not in my arms.

Stuck in the middle isn’t somewhere I can live, not truly. It’s not a place that thrives. So I need to move to the next place my love. I need to be unstuck and I think I can see how. Really, I think I can and you helped me with that. “We love because He first loved us” the bible says of God’s love for us. He loves me, and He did it first. Before you died, before the tragedy my life became, before I got stuck in the middle. You knew that, you lived with that wonderful truth every day. Thank you.

God knew your days and knows my days. Nothing has shocked Him, He is unswerving. When my days were dark, He was there and He isn’t afraid of it. Where God is in my life He misplaces the dark. So in my dark days now I can see a little brighter, a little clearer and I will keep choosing to do so.
The ache is still there, consuming at times, but sometimes it gets swallowed by the light instead of it swallowing me. He loved you first, before me, and He loved me first, before you. I find comfort in that.


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