Tag Archives: conflict

It didn’t kill me.

winter sring

 

One year gone is just around the corner. Such a conflicted thought. What emotion do I feel first? I’m just not quite sure.

To tell the truth I wasn’t quite sure I’d really survive a year, really, I couldn’t see how such pain could yield anything but darkness. Complete despair is blinding, and hope doesn’t seem to take root. But what I’ve found is that it is more like a bleak winter. Snow, ice, and bitter cold destroy all signs of life but when springtime finally rolls around shoots of life can appear. Sure some things have died completely, but other things begin to flourish again. It’s also a time when new things can be planted, but I’m careful, the shoots are very delicate. Roots not yet established only hold enough nutrients for right now, so easy does it!

Part of me feels ready to burst forth and try to live again, I welcome that, it’s a new feeling. Yet not other parts, hence the conflict. But I hope the good parts will take the lead and the rest follow suit. I need to feel purpose again, feel love again, and continue to actually live. I think my Paul would welcome that, and my heart feels his smile just at the thought. It’s nice to remember him.

I will always remember him.


Memories you aren’t in

Image

We dreamed of this, Europe in Springtime. But I go without you, how can I go without you? It’s so conflicting, how can I go without you? I would have cancelled 20 times if it wasn’t for letting others down and losing a stack of money! I’m going somewhere without you, making new memories that you aren’t in. I just don’t like it.

It sounds romantic when we hear people speak of “seasons of life”, “new chapters in the story of life”, or my unfavourite “when God closes a door, He opens a window!” Behind the cliché lies a truth about keeping on living, but the connotation of leaving my old life behind is crippling. You are not a door that closed, by the same analogy it was more like a house exploding into a million fragments…it can never be put back together the same way. It’s not a new chapter, it’s a complete do-over. It’s memories that you won’t be in.

Memories are powerful. I can be drawn back to a moment in time anywhere in my past 44 years instantaneously. It draws instant emotion as if you were there again. I can find myself smiling as I remember how it felt when you held me. The warmth, your breath on my neck, the tightening of your arms around me; it was a very safe place and I can feel it now. Of course there are some very traumatic memories as well, the ones that can stir around my head late at night when I try to sleep. I do not smile at those, nor do I want to describe them.

I know you would want us to be happy and never give up living, I do, I know that. You could never say it, I know you didn’t want to die and leave us, so there was no need for it. But I know your heart, and you most certainly would want us to live on. So I will, even if you aren’t there to make a memory with. Courage looks like many things, and right now it’s hopping on a plane without you and determining not to mourn forever. It’s knowing it’s OK to continue making memories without you.

Europe in the springtime.

Let’s see how I go!


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