Tag Archives: life

Moving Forward

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Moving Forward

Wow, I can hardly believe I am writing those words. But my world is different now. Never will my life be the same, but it will be OK.

“One Fit Widow” describes the process as moving forward as opposed to moving on, I like that. (http://onefitwidow.com/marrying-a-widow/). I am not forgetting the man I shared 22 years with or moving on from who we were together, that would be impossible. I am however, choosing to have a future that he is not a physical part of. For me, that isn’t easy.

For me it has been a hard slog of facing pain head on, staring its ugliness straight in the face and demanding it give me some life back.  To shift my Paul into a new, his own, room in my heart has been a very emotional journey. To accept his disease, his death, to feel abandoned by those same things, to feel I may have caused or contributed in some way to the cancer, maybe I could have done more, been more, tried harder, given my actual life for his…to accept these things was necessary. To face each one and come to some kind of conclusion in order to put things in place and be able to move on was crucial for me. Otherwise it’s like having a set of hurdles in my heart. Every time I came to one, it seemed insurmountable and stopped me in my tracks. Unable to move forward, path blocked, journey halted. So I had to dismantle the guilt and the grief. One misconception at a time, one solid guilt melting truth at a time. I had to clear the path of hurdles and begin to run again.

It’s not just about finding new love; I can’t control that, although I hope I am not alone forever. Its kids, work, church, social life, recreation; the way I do everything has had to change. I am a single parent who as to negotiate how to do these things now. No backups, just me.  I found that extremely scary at first, but I’m getting there and it’s OK.

To rediscover who I am on my own is important too. I have begun to see things solely through my own eyes again. Grateful for the person my Paul helped me to be, and for the love he gave me and his kids, but I have to make my own choices now, grow up and take all the responsibility. I really did like being married, that part is hard. Seasons can be hard.

Seasons, now that’s something. In the past week I have seen the same passage of scripture come at me from very unusual sources. School newsletters, emails, Facebook to name a few (because I forget the others!!) so I’m taking that as a sign and moving forward. I will accept that it’s OK for the seasons to change; it’s OK to move forward.

Never will my life be the same, but it will be OK.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 The Message

There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

A right time for birth and another for death,
A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal,
A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain,
A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses,
A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate,
A right time to wage war and another to make peace.


Life and Other Sadness

I lost a friend this week, a beautiful lady, mum, wife, sister, and woman.  So much sadness. She was young; she has 2 gorgeous girls and family that are aching for her.  I get it. I know the sadness, I know that ache, the yearning for it not to be true, the disbelief, loss is hard.

When I heard the news I felt my heart resist, turn off, I didn’t want to feel the sadness, not again. But I have learnt something this week, I don’t need to be afraid of sadness, it won’t kill me, I can live this life, it won’t be the same, but it will be OK.

It means risk to keep my heart open; an open heart can be crushed so easily, to close it off makes more sense. To hide behind excuses of “well I need to protect my heart after such grief” or “it’s just not in my personality” may hold some truth but will only cause my heart walls to harden. It will shut out any potential for pure life that I have, so I won’t do that.

Life dishes up sadness sometimes. It also offers joy and love. God offers me the ultimate choice between life and death. He encourages me to choose life. It occurs to me that so much extreme sadness drains said life and erodes away the ability to choose. So many lives are cut short because there doesn’t seem like a choice exists anymore, there seems like only one way out…such a tragic illness.

So today I choose life, sadness and all. I will not be afraid of sadness, I will embrace it as part of my journey, part of the fabric of who I am knowing that God holds me close, whether in joy or sadness. Yesterday, today and forever I can count on that.


My Cup Overflows

2 years and 7 months I have waited for this. To truly feel once again that my cup does indeed overflow. Full to overflowing, running over with honest to goodness love. It’s been a long time.

I used to muse to myself of the goodness, the love, and the absolute blessing I felt just being wife and mum to beautiful people. Ordinary people to the untrained eye, but with my well-honed mumma skills it was clear: they were beautiful indeed.

Then the tragedy.

Cancer stole my love.

My cup was empty.

My cup was broken.

Now to hear my children’s laughter, and have it warm my heart, to hear them talking to me, really talking to me and be able to engage, to once again find joy in simple things is beyond priceless. It’s pure gold.

My cup must be mending.

All the tears, all the determined searching for answers, all the willingness to face the pain head on, has done something. It has begun healing my cup, my heart. I cannot say that I have willed it from my own strength, because I had none, or discovered hidden reasons, because there are none. It was the God of all creation, who made the cup, who made my heart, He knew what it needed when it needed it and healing is the result.

I am sure that my grief is not completely over, because my life isn’t over, and for as long as I live I will hold love in my heart for my Paul. But I feel love and joy again, and I know that I know that’s a good sign. I can once again be full of love and blessing. Nothing grand so far, nothing the papers will write about, but I know it’s going to be OK. In my everydayness I can smile and have life overflow.

My cup overflows.


Stuck in the Middle

Honey,

Rock Heart When you died my world darkened. Colours lost their accents, and breath was hard to take in. Dramatic? Sure, as were the changes life took on without you. To be honest I didn’t really know that I could live this life without you. I didn’t want to.

The sun keeps rising, keeps setting, and still you don’t come back to me. And I’m stuck in the middle.

Between life with you and life without you.

Between past purpose and new hope.

Between the security of everyday and emptiness.

Stuck – needing to go forward, but not wanting to leave you in the past. Memories of you are great, but they can’t hold me. You are in my heart forever, but not in my arms.

Stuck in the middle isn’t somewhere I can live, not truly. It’s not a place that thrives. So I need to move to the next place my love. I need to be unstuck and I think I can see how. Really, I think I can and you helped me with that. “We love because He first loved us” the bible says of God’s love for us. He loves me, and He did it first. Before you died, before the tragedy my life became, before I got stuck in the middle. You knew that, you lived with that wonderful truth every day. Thank you.

God knew your days and knows my days. Nothing has shocked Him, He is unswerving. When my days were dark, He was there and He isn’t afraid of it. Where God is in my life He misplaces the dark. So in my dark days now I can see a little brighter, a little clearer and I will keep choosing to do so.
The ache is still there, consuming at times, but sometimes it gets swallowed by the light instead of it swallowing me. He loved you first, before me, and He loved me first, before you. I find comfort in that.


Love with a Wounded Heart

I still remember the feel of your kiss. Your lips, your prickles, your nose in the way. I remember the warmth of my lips in the crook of your neck. ..I miss the warmth of my lips in the crook of your neck. I see it and I can almost breathe you in still. I remember it now, but will I always? I don’t know.

Don’t slip away from me, stay.

I know what I ask is impossible; I just want it to be possible. I know I need to feel love again. I am so sore from the aching, so full of callouses from the scar tissue that used to be my heart. This should only be a post-operative complication, but I fear, oh I fear, its more and without treatment it could be fatal. I only know one course of treatment for that my Paul, you knew it too. Complete cardiac intervention by the Best of the best. By the Creator Himself. He knows its workings intimately. The treatment is love. I cannot see any other way.

To love with a wounded heart, push the boundaries, and rehabilitate the possibilities for life.


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