Tag Archives: partner

Don’t Cry Over Spilt Firewood!!

chopping-block-ax-split-wood-19414737Of course it’s “spilt milk” but I am fine at the mum type kitchen things, it’s the firewood that can bring me undone. It’s all that Mr fix-it stuff that my Mr Fix-it used to do, sure sometimes nagging was involved, but he did it. So now, with no Mr Fix-it and doggone it no one to nag (kids don’t count they seem to be able to block you out), I can just look at it, and be cold, or take a deep breath and get the heck on with it.

Wielding an axe overhead with such precision and accuracy I chopped those suckers into firewood that could burn itself…anyone believe me??? Anyone? Well it’s chopped, no actual injuries to speak of, and pretty it isn’t. But it fits in the fire place and it will burn. Most importantly though I didn’t actually cry. Nearly, but no tears, not a one. Maybe a little “what the hell happened to my life that took my wood chopper away?” type thought, but I did it.

This is new territory for sure, not quite sure what to call it, but its progress.

I don’t make any wild assumptions that I won’t succumb to fits of inadequacy in the future, but today I am OK. Today is all I have.

Decisions need to be made, things need to be fixed and like it or not life goes on, partner or not! So for today I will man up and do what needs to be done. Femininity intact, I will just have to do it my way.

But I won’t cry over the firewood.


Joy to the Power of 3

Why is shared joy so much more enjoyable? Equally, why is shared pain easier to cope with? It doesn’t change the experience, the concert, the sporting event, but sharing something with someone special is different. And when you don’t… it makes the loneliness a bit more lonely.  Couples everywhere, good ones, bad ones, happy ones and not so happy ones.  Not begrudging, just missing the togetherness, the come along sidedness that comes with the knowing someone so intimately that they are an extension of yourself.

When you share joy it doesn’t just double, its like joy to the power of three. Your joy multiplied by your partners joy multiplied by the mutual joy! That’s a whole lot of joy.  I miss that. Other friends are great and help a lot, but at the end of the day, they go home partnered. I just go home.

It’s just one more thing to get used to I guess. Just another adjustment to make. I just loved being married. I really did and I grieve its loss. I love family. Thank God for the family and kids I do have.

So I will keep loving those around me, keep sharing their joy and maybe it will begin to multiply into something similar via one of those crazy maths equations!! I hope anyway, I’ll let you know.


The things I am now.

I am a single parent.

I am just Janene, no Janene and…

I am the payer of bills.

I am the keeper of my own secrets, not shared so much.

I am the decision maker for EVERYTHING…including toilets!

I am owner of a car stuck in my yard cause I don’t know how to make it go.

I am the owner of tools I cannot even name.

I am unsure what to do now.

When I lost my partner, I lost an actual partner. Shared decision making, shared responsibilities, shared love, shared frustrations, and shared fun all things of the past right now. I lost a good partner. But I think even when a partner is sick, sad or lacking somehow you still actually lose a part of yourself. Someone that you joined with for life vanishes from you, even if the vanishing began years before they died. Either way, life becomes something else, something you had never imagined. It becomes just me. It becomes just you.

So now I need to figure out who this “me” is. No one can do it for me. It just has to be done. Two things I know to do. One  is put one foot in front of the other and be open to the person I discover. To keep my eyes open and gingerly push on a door or two. Shyness and fear may try and hold me back. Why? Well that’s for another day!

Two is that I have a deep assurance that I am held by One greater than I am. I still have questions, less as time goes by, and some may never find answers. But my faith in God remains. I believe He restores, rebuilds and mends the broken. I am a candidate for all. What once flourished will do so again.

What do I do next?

Where do I go from here?

I don’t know, but at least I am willing to see.


Lonely

Loneliness rounds me up in circles and then jumps up and bites me on the bum! So unexpected and more brutal than I had ever imagined possible.

I spent 21.5 years with Paul, dreaming the same dreams, planning things, facing disasters – you know life!

Then he was gone.

Just gone.

My mind couldn’t comprehend what was happening. I remember a swirl of emotions, knowing I didn’t want him to suffer, but wanting him to live,I  felt sucked down by the reality of what was happening in front of me. A horror movie …and I couldn’t find the off switch.

It took me 6 months to realize that horror movie was in fact my life. No more reliance on numbness or simple denial, realities wanted me to face them. I hate you realities. You are very very cruel. Reality doesn’t allow you the luxury of believing the mind tricks that it is just all a cruel joke. So I woke up and Paul wasn’t here.

Just gone.

He lives vividly in my mind, in my heart and every deep place within me, but it’s not the same. I want to get mad at someone, but it’s no ones fault. I don’t like the medical process that he went through, but I believe they were trying to help Paul live, I can’t hate them for that.  Guilt swallows any chance of getting mad at Paul, he did leave me, but not by choice.

So I’m only left with being mad at myself. Weird? Maybe. But I get mad at being lonely, mad for not doing more, mad for not understanding our finances more, mad at everything I have to do that demands I say out loud Paul died. A woman asked me about my husband today, she didn’t know, it was like a punch in the stomach…I get mad at that.

I don’t want to be lonely, I want to be enough. To never want anyone else’s affection or love. To be alone, but happy to be alone. Big problem there, I am not happy to be alone. I don’t believe we are designed for loneliness, but for togetherness, for families. So no, I haven’t figured it all out yet. And friends in faith, relax, I have not turned my back on God. Instead I look at Him straight up and plead “How?” Say a prayer for me as you turn to snuggle your partner tonight because one day you may feel lonely too and then I will say a prayer for you.

I have a certainty that I will not let go of, that God is for me, not against me. That He loves me first, before I even wake up each day. So I will sort this sucker out beyond platitudes, I just don’t have all the answers today. Today I just felt lonely.


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